Nobody tells you what happens after the happy ending. After all your dreams come true. Wicked, the musical puts it in a perfect way. “Happyness is what happens when all your dreams come true…” Sung in the saddest voice. Because Glinda is the only one who knows that all her dreams had not come true. But this is beside the point. I guess home (Brazil) is full of people that came back from study abroad and all of them are feeling… oh well feelings. However I dont know if I am taking it too hard or what the problem is. I guess some people will agree with me and some won’t.
I feel like an empty vault has been formed in my chest. Something that I can’t reach no matter what. It is not even deppression, I guess. It is reaching for what you wanted or something that filled you up and having to let go. And I guess I yearn for small things, details and not only for the whole “new place” thing.
Well, in a week it will be two months since I came back. It feels weird and just now I am over the transition phase to the pressing “play” in my life. Now I can observe and see that my year abroad was like reading a book, just not any book, that special book that is your dream. Yes, quoting Disney now… remember when Belle reads the same book over and over? Because it is about kings and far away places, bla bla bla. Oh well picture this kind of book. So the day I set my foot on that plane to get to England (or several planes, but you get the idea) I started reading this amazing book.
Real life was on hold and even though I was never pretending, I am an actress and as a great friend said “Actors are always looking for audience, they never stop”, therefore I, my “character” in this book, was a 19/20-year-old girl, a fresher and last year student at the same time. I partied almost everyday, I drank, I had to make new friends and start new circles of friendships, all that scary part of the beginning of a good book (Harry Potter?). I was insecure, immature, clever, proactive, right and wrong. I learned how to do laundry and use a George Foreman!
My story was told roughly in this blog and mainly by the thousands of pictures I took. I was a forensic sciences student who liked fencing and was active part of the Drama society. I visited all the ” far away places” I dreamt about when I read my favourite books. I spoke the language I have loved since I was… well ever because my parents taught me almost from birth to like it. I used to say “hello mommy”, “goodnight” and other vocabulary basics when I was a toddler. Back to the point I was living a dream. Ok some things were missing, but perfection is just too much to ask.
I grew A LOT in this year, I learned things about my own self when talking to people much younger than me. I grew independent. And I learned some school stuff too. Especially that I like to study odd things like “Earmarks”.
All of these was just to describe the story of my great book. Now how do you feel when you finish a book? If you are not into books, what about movies? Something like “Harry Potter”? “Lord of the Rings”? Even “the Wizard of Oz” You feel empty right? You want more and more! That is why internet is full of fun pages and the movies started and all the franchises. Nobody likes to let go!
I started freaking out when I got back from Northern Ireland. I would be freaking before but I was too sick to allow myself the luxury. I had onde week to go. I planned all the goodbyes, when, where, who I would meet, etc. But I broke down and couldn’t stop crying, anxiety and fear of letting go filled me up. I even got some feedback and “broke” some british… some I expected but I was surprised. Cold people my ****. If it takes an emotional mess like me to break them I did. Every single detail of that week got supersized by thousands. I even got epiphanies, because “let’s add more internal drama to it”.I won’t describe all of the goodbyes in details, because that is what they were made for, I don’t want to suffer much more =( I had the most perfect night (of my life probably) with my best friends and it ended my book. Goddamn happy ending. However…. what now???
The brazilians in Keele were SOOO adorable and took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye safely. I cried my way back to Brazil, even though I lost a flight and got stuck in Lisbon overnight. This includes receiving a hug from british security woman. Also because I was stuck in Lisbon I had a “real” hotel bedroom and free food… all paid for. Did I enjoy it? Noooo! I felt like I was in an endeless limbo because I wasn’t in England anymore nor in Brazil. Dorothy IN the hurricane.
I arrived home. Eventually I had stopped crying in the plane (seriously it was ridiculous). My mom was always thoughtful and prepared a “welcome back party”, buuuuut I didn’t realise it was a party until like a week later. I was so tired and out of myself that I was probably rude to people. All I could think of was the gifts I had brought to people and unpacking to show everything to everyone. I was excited to show my “English” life to my brazilian part.
Everyone asks me how I feel now or how I felt. I hated being back and I really would love to take all the people and especially my family there with me. On the other hand, there I felt I had no story to continue, and my sequel would have to be in Brazil. I had no place there, no job, no house, no future, just my friends. I came back because the book was over and I had to press “Play” and go on with my “real” life. And as a PS. that’s is how it feels… like nothing has changed here and I just finished reading the most amazing book, but it is impossible to reread now… it hurts too much.