It is that time of the year…
Apparently not for me. What I mean is that everyone has left, but me.
All the mommys and daddys came here pick them up. But mine =(
Last week was the last week that there was a reasonable amount of people in Keele. People were supposed to leave their accommodations by June 8th.
But let’s go back. The last week in June was a tough one. Jwan left to Sweden. We tried to go to a drag queen club, but it was closed. Let me just say that the girl has style! And if I ever had a Kurdish sister that would be her!
I could go on and on about how fantastic she is, but I think I have done this enough! She will be the symbol of Middle East for me, racist or not, that is true! And I think I couldn’t have a better image! One of the strongest women I have ever met!
We ended up in one of the regular crappy clubs of Newcastle under lyme. After that we ate something and went home. Two days later, after transferring a huge amount of stuff she was leaving me to my room we had to say the last goodbye. But I made it sound as it wouldn’t be the last one, since I was planning to visit her in Sweden in October. In my head that really was truth and I love how innocence can blind us. The goodbye was not a “goodbye” but a “see you later” and that I could do. Saying “goodbye forever” was much too hard.
I realised two or three weeks later was not true, I don’t have enough money to go visit her, I barely have enough to go through the next months here in England. This will be a “long goodbye“, and to make it easier and as I have done to several people (like Victoria who is in Canada and has no perspective to come back to Brazil anytime soon) this won’t be the ending, because I know it will be a “see you later”. You see, I would rather believe that my path will cross these people’s again. It is much too sad to admit that this is it. An open ending is better than any other ending.
So for you Jwan, honey, I have to say, Aufwiedersehen, see you later, Ate a proxima! Because, I don’t know when that will be.
Alessandra was next.
I met her and we went to a fencing session in which we ended up fencing each other and remembering how our friendship was born. We talked a lot after that and I felt that I missed it so much. This last semester I was much more unavailable and I pitied it, but with her I know that she is one kind of friend that I’ll be able to talk about pretty much EVERYTHING, EVERYTIME! And I hope she knows that too! Because you see, discussing Religion here was always a touchy subject. In a way it helped me determine what I do believe. Meeting atheists and all my trips to other countries helped me understand. But she was the one that invited me back to a Christian service and there I felt home. It was Corpus Christi celebration in Brazil, and she took me there without knowing it.
As I am going to see her next semester my brain is already coping with the fact that we are still seeing each other several times, so that is ok. Also, the acceptance is easier since she is brazilian, her family visits Brazil a lot and the path is much easier and straightforward to be crossed. 😉
Sunday, June 2nd, I realised that Drama was done presenting A Midsummer Night’s Dream. And the social afterwards was also almost done. People started to leave and I started to realise that some of them I might never see again. I tried saying goodbye and feeling emotional, but what I could feel was a wall starting to be built. And I am pretty sure this wall will be so high by the end of October that I won’t even be able to demonstrate any kind of feeling. This wall will protect me from thinking: “Hey, I might NEVER see you again!(Now that I think of… Kerry and Redmond) Hey, is there anything I wish I have said to you?” Well, yes, probably there will be lots of regret, but I will choose not to think of them. As everyone left I hugged and said goodbye, or see you later, because it was easier and because I didn’t want to feel.
Marcus, the american boy, also left last week. We had lunch, we talked, and, you see, Marcus was one of the first people I met here in the UK. If you disconsider the brazilians I can say that he was the first foreigner that was nice to me, or at least one of the five. He was in the same van that took us to our rooms. All the several times I met him we had this light, easy talk. He is completely opposite to what stereotypes say about americans. He is incredibly intelligent and knows more about brazilian politics than I am ashamed to admit I do. This is one guy that I am going to miss! His experiences in the UK were the most varied and he enjoyed this opportunity as much as I did! I will forever be glad that I met him! Again I didn’t want to spend much time thinking of a proper goodbye. I said goodbye as a “see you later”, because seriously, why not?
And I was almost forgetting about my last Union party of the semester. I was going to say goodbye to Beccy, and I was trying to tell myself that it would probably be the last “Goodbye” that I would say to her. Next thing I know I am drunk, in the union, dancing and playing with the fencing people. Beccy is one of the people who will make me smile everytime I think of the UK! The Liverpool girl that I almost didn’t understand a word she said in the beginning of the year, that insisted that I went to fencing sessions and that always made me feel welcomed. And almost all the times I went crazy in the union she was there! Crazy, with me too! Nonsense nerdy girl that I can totally relate to!
And this repeated when everyone else left, especially the ones that I will still meet until October 19th. Like guys from Drama, Santiago and Farhan.
I can’t forget that one day it will be the 19th.
And to make matters even worse…. Megan texts me in the beginning of this week to go fetch in the Post-Office a parcel and a letter that she sent me. Well, everything is ok, I thought I would drop by the end of the week since I had bought other stuff too!
Today I get there and there is a letter with a card inside.
Saw this card and thought of you and your love for books! Never stop reading; imagine how great your writing could be! It’s already pretty good though, reading your blog. I know we’ll see each other after summer, but I just wanted to say how great a year it’s been with you, from drama, to the bitching corner, to pancakes (And you breaking my long-lost fork!)
Hope to see you in Rio 2016 if all goes to plan! And remember: ‘Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars.’ (That always motivated me).
Ok, that would have been enough to make me cry, but no,… oh nooo… she wasn’t happy with that…. no…. she gave me one of the best gifts someone can give to me, as a real gift anyway, … She gave me BOOKS! “The F. Scott Fitzgerald collection” including “The great Gatsby”, “The Beautiful and Damned” and ” Tender is the Night”.
So yeah,… she got to kick my wall,… now I have to start building it up again. People have to stop doing it.
This “fun-size” girl who grew so much in my esteem in so little time that I cannot even begin to explain or believe. I never felt that I would be able to say that I have an English best friend, that is always there for me, even if it is to tell me that I’m being paranoid, even if she doesn’t know how to deal with my non-stop crying for stupid reasons, even if she is just there to tell me that I am like an alien, etc,etc, etc.
I have always been insecure, since I was little and nothing has changed much ever since. I was really afraid to be left behind here, sometimes I felt like that, even coming from my best friends. And I told her that, because I love to blabber about how I am feeling, but she told me I was crazy or to go and talk to people AND STOP BEING STUPID.
It is funny that we always believe that the only correct way to show affections is our own way. And, this being my 128th epiphany in this country, I realise that it is not. That I can still be surprised! It’s not the talking ALL THE TIME, it is not the being together 24h or constant saying how important a person is to you, whatever… , what matters are the little details. I would be completely gobsmacked by the card alone, but she had to show me that she knows me better than I can imagine. Lots of times it was enough to look at her and she would know what I was thinking. Good or bad things. Texting ALL THE TIME to say stupid things, comment on things, even to talk side by side in the same room. She cared if I walked home from the SU to Lindsay by myself. I can write thousands of examples of how much I loved spending time with her this year! But the main thing is without her, my obsession with post card writing would not have happened, I would have been so alone, and my year wouldn’t have been this great!I have much more to say, but that will be said in a letter! I don’t feel that I am saying what I want to say… maybe my answering text was slapbang simple, but it was truthful!
Another dear friend also surprised me when I said the date that I was leaving. He said: Which day of the week it is?” ” Saturday… hum… it would be nice if you could take me to the airport” ” Why do you think I asked it?” – It may sound silly, but this is one of the details that count much more than telling me everything. Thank you for teaching me that.
In the end,… my goodbyes are only beginning and I know I will have to go through this. I know I will get into that plane and my wall will fall, but until there I keep building it.