I have always had mixed feelings about changes.
I am afraid of them, but I am not afraid of their consequences.
Explaining. When I applied for the exchange program I was not afraid of what it could do to my life, “It was time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes: and leap!”
I had always dreamt of it. However I knew that EVERYTHING could change. My life in Brazil would not be put into Pause while I was travelling around.
In 2010 I made plans, I programmed my life while waiting for the Brussel’s result. I had a plan A, B and C. When I didn’t get it, it was ok, because I had back-up plans. What I wasn’t counting on was that I would be an emotional wreck after that.
This time I was afraid, not of going across the ocean, but I was afraid of it failing again. I put my fears aside and tried. I believed and I could have been hurt again. Thank God that it worked, I really don’t know what I would have done in case that didn’t work… Actually, no, I knew… I would have left my current job, because I hated it and was only putting up with it because I was waiting for the answer. But yeah, I wouldn’t be so devastated. Experience teaches you to be strong.
Anyway… my point is that I wasn’t thinking of missing my old life. I hated my job, my family would always be there for me and my friends were going away to other countries too. There was nothing to keep me there.” One day I’ll fly away… leave all this to yesterday…”
Now… I talk to my friends from back home and they really miss our old life. I do miss it too. But I am fully aware that we are not going to be in the same classroom. That the days when we sat together before class, talked and drank cold ice tea are over. The days that we would do work separating the exercises for each member of the group, that we would laugh because someone was sleeping or whatever are over. They belong to a place in the past. No it is not sad, it is real life. These are memories now, common memories which unite us and created the basis of our friendship.
The present scenario is that we are in Canada, Brazil and UK, however we are together and will be together.
The moment we go back we are going to meet in this restaurant, sit and talk for ages while telling everything we have been through. Sharing our old new lives and sharing the new person we became.
Life didn’t stop, it evolved. We are the same people and at the same time we are not, we are completely new friends and even though we already had the foundation of our friendship, now we are building it up, with bricks such as knowledge, columns such as experience but always braiding it with feelings and memories.
Here, I am experiencing the opposite. I don’t want to go back. I have this new life and I really like it. I see my new friends making plans for next semester and I know I will not be part of them. Their lives are going to be completely different and I want to interfere, I want to be a part of it. Except that I will not. I will be miles and miles away. And they will be here. I wonder how things would be if I stayed. I am afraid of loosing the memories I created here, If their relationships change, if my group drifts apart, everything that I knew would change.
However, I know that my memories will ever be just it, memories… they won’t change. They are my past and now they are a part of me. Nothing is going to change that. I just wish I could make the good moments last forever and the bad ones, a second.(yeah,…I know I am not the only one).
I am afraid of going back to my old life. But the key thought is that I am not going back to that life. I am heading to a third new phase of my life. I have no idea of what is going to happen just across the riverbend.