O Shopping Center – Vulgo Paraíso dos Sonhos

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Não existe nada mais acolhedor do que ir ao shopping. Podem chamar de “programa de paulista”, mas nada é capaz de me desestressar tanto quanto fazer uma visitinha ao centro de compras.  Seu dia está horrível? Você esta triste? Sozinho? Ir ao shopping cura tudo isto!

Tudo começa com aquela sensação de que o tempo parou, sua rotina foi colocada no pause. “Pára tudo, porque hoje a tarde eu vou ao shopping, beijos!”. Se você é paulistano sabe que, mesmo sendo clichê, você se identifica e é lá que vai encontrar a galera toda.

Aí você estaciona o carro – sim, pode ser até que o carro não seja o seu, seja do vizinho, do amigo, do namorado, mas ninguém vai de ônibus no shopping, vai de metro ou a pé, mas não de ônibus, porque estamos buscando o mínimo de status aqui, né? Ou não… – sobe as escadas rolantes e é como se estivesse chegando no paraíso – o do céu, não o que fica na consolação. Todas aquelas luzes brancas e fortes no seu rosto e, não importa o tempo lá fora, no shopping a temperatura está perfeita. Como Harold Zidler brilhantemente disse: “Outside it may be raining but here is entertaining” (Lá fora pode estar chovendo, mas aqui há entretenimento).

O cheiro do shopping é uma coisa maravilhosa, porque é o melhor cheiro de todos! É o seu favorito e o que você precisa sentir naquele momento. Quer ver eu acertar? Vou listar os top 5 cheiros de shopping:

1-Livros novos – Qualquer shopping tem uma loja de livros, seja uma Saraiva, seja a Livraria Cultura, seja uma editora pequena.

2-Café – Starbucks estão pipocando a cada esquina e se não tiver, serve o café do quiosque no meio do corredor,

3-Perfumes – Qualquer loja de perfumes, mas vamos focar naquelas chiques de perfumes caríssimos e importados que só em sonho vamos poder comprar?

4- Pãozinho recém assado – Melhor ainda se for um pão de queijo! Ou então sua comida favorita. Sinta como se fosse um desenho do Tom & Jerry te puxando em direção à comida.

5- Roupa nova! – Shopping inteiro!

Esses cheiros são impossíveis de se reproduzir. Ainda não se convenceu? Em quantos quarteirões você encontra todos os fast foods, culinárias de n países, cinemas, suas marcas favoritas, seus sapatos dos sonhos, perfumes, aquela tranqueira que você definitivamente não precisa, etc, etc e etc? No shopping está tudo ali, e é só dobrar a esquina!

Viu o que estou te dizendo? Para finalizar, vou dizer que entrar em qualquer shopping no mundo todo e não só no Brasil melhora meu humor exponencialmente. Posso ter ficado perdida por horas, andado sem rumo e me perdido por várias quebradas, mas quando entro dentro deste estabelecimento internacional, posso passar horas dentro dele, é padrão de qualidade.

Se não tenho dinheiro? Não tem problema, bobinho! Cheque especial está ai para isso e nesse mundo dos sonhos, quem nunca entrou numa Zara só para experimentar (e ver que nada serve) sendo que nem uma blusinha da promoção e remarcação da Renner podia comprar?

Book trip!

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Last year I was offered a unique opportunity to live in England for an year. It was an once in a lifetime chance and I embraced it. Apart from travelling to other countries I decided to travel around England and really get to know the country I had always dreamed of and read about.

I decided to make these trips as special and meaningful as I could, therefore I planned to visit places which made a great impact on literature. The chosen destinations were not only my favourite writer’s birthplaces but also where some of the novels took place. Obviously I had to sit out some authors who I hadn’t read… Although one day I will and there I’ll be. There and back again.

First stop was Stratford-upon-Avon, hometown of William Shakespeare, who is now celebrating his 450th anniversary. I visited delightful cottages, a farm and I fell in love! Also, my dreams really came true when I saw the places where the pidgeons sleep. Like it was descrbibed in Harry Potter, just that instead of owls it was pidgeons. The river Avon, the theatre, the houses, such a romantic a picturesque place.

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Anne Hathaway’s Cottage
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The Dove thingy

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Needless to explain… himself in his house

 

From Shakespeare medieval’s castles to the 18th century

In addition to that I went to Bath, Winchester and Charlton to follow the Jane Austen trial.  In Bath, I was able to visit locations from her books and imagine how society was back then walking down the road just chilling and analysing other people in the Pump Rooms. I wish I could find my Mr. Darcy there. Maybe not this time. But I definitely fell in love with Bath. I could feel the charm that enchanted that society so much. Walking in a live scenery.

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Jane’s living room and a tiny dress

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The FIRST edition of Pride and Prejudice!

 

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Jane’s first and only love

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Shall we dance? Let’s meet in the Pump Rooms

 

The hectic London gave way to the tiny and amazing hidden museum in 221B Baker Street where Sir Arthur Connan Doyle envisioned the home of the most well-known detective of all time, Sherlock Holmes. Every single detail has been respected. The bedrooms, bathrooms, everything! Also, it was a complete tribute to the books and the storys.

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It is such a hidden place!

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Nice charming house

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Lab objects❤

During this dream trip I visited Glastonbury where the mythical island of Avalon is known to have a hidden entrance, so that King Arthur’s legend was also contemplated in my journey. Not everyone has read this saga, but that meant a lot. The ruins of the Glastonbury abbey and the possible King Arthur’s “grave” were really exciting! In addition to it all there was a wedding going on! In the touristic place! I loved the idea!

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Landscape from the top of the Island of Avalon and the place where the Holy Grail was hidden (and became a water source with water rich in iron = Blood = Christ’s blood)

Last but not least, Oxford presented me with Alice’s real world of Wonderland and the fact that I could breath the same air, J.R.R. Tolkien did when writing Frodo and Bilbo’s adventures was fascinating. I visited several settings from the Harry Potter movies. (see pics) Unfortunately, it was a very quick trip, and I couldn’t visit as many libraries as I wanted.

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England is flooded with great names and it is one kind of tourism which should be explored and developed as these people changed so many lives in the whole world and are present in numerous cultures.

Perhaps to some people this would not be as significant as it was for me, however after having travelled to these places in my mind for so long when reading the books, actually being able to step on the same floor Shakespeare did, changed my life. It made me a more fulfilled human being.

To conclude this article, I can definitely advise the readers saying that they should dare to dream and do not stop there but guarantee that they will come true. Never give up, because it sure is worthwhile.

Ps. Just to share a weird fact about me… I signed the guest book everywhere I went just that people would have proof of where I have been in my life and what influenced me once I’m famous.

Profession Tourist: Irlandas e Escócia

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Ai um amigo me pede uma indicação de lugares “diferentes” para visitar no Reino Unido e na Irlanda. Eu penso logo em 324 coisas para falar, mas como estou em um consultório esperando para ser atendida fica um pouco complexo. Então ao invés de simplesmente dizer por cima eu resolvo escrever essa matéria para o meu querido blog.

Primeira dica: Compre ou faça um cartão da National Express se quiser viajar barato, ver vistas e tiver mais tempo. Senão faça um Railcard, e viaje mais rápido, porém um pouquinho mais caro. Isso se você tiver entre 16-25… Fica mais barato e compensa para viajar bastante dentro do UK (não inclui República da Irlanda)

Vamos começar por tudo que não envolve a Inglaterra.

Começando.

Escócia

Infelizmente eu não viajei tanto quanto queria lá, ouvi dizer que as vistas são lindas. Fui de avião de Manchester para Edimburgo e fiquei 3 dias lá. Tem um ônibus de linha que leva do aeroporto até o centro da cidade. Tem Walking tour da New Sandesman. VALE A PENA. Vale também fazer um dos passeios assustadores (Ghost tour) a noite que incluem cemitérios, lugares assombrados e fazer um tour pela cidade à luz da lua.  Passear bastante e entrar no castelo do Coração Valente (que eu não entrei porque sou uma chata mal humorada e vou me arrepender para sempre). Andar pelas ruas e ruelas é sempre sensacional e como sempre indico as “Dungeons”, neste caso a Edimburgh Dungeons.

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De lá peguei “facinho” o National Express para Glasgow.

Glasgow é uma cidade grande, então não espere milhões de coisinhas de turista. Peguei o ônibus vermelho e circulei na cidade. O único arrependimento foi não ter ido na Universidade, ou ter chegado perto dela. É linda demais! Tem o centro de ciências e outras coisitchas, mas algo que você tem que ter tempo ao visitar, e são um pouco desnecessárias se você está on a budget e em uma viagem muito longa.

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PS. Reserve um dia a mais ou algo assim e procure uma excursão que te leve ao Lago Ness. Sim eu achei que era ali do lado e quebrei a cara. NÃO É PERTO DE GLASGOW!

Irlanda do Norte

Uma série. Game of Thrones. Morri. Não, lá não se resume a isso, mas foi o que me deixou mais empolgada. Belfast também é uma cidade grande, mas o ponto alto desse país é a história religiosa e política muito forte. Então se prepare para ouvir falar desses assuntos difíceis e que nem sempre agradam. De forma alguma eu me senti insegura, embora soubesse que ainda rolam algumas manifestações não tão pacíficas e uma coisa que eles diziam bastante é: “ O problema dos irlandeses é com os outros irlandeses, fora isso eles são super legais com os turistas!!” E são mesmo! São um povo SUPER simpático e gentil! Eu adorei! E entrar em pub e ouvir as músicas típicas! Amo! Fui sozinha,então beber sozinha num pub é no mínimo bizarro, mas estamos aí para isso. Acabei comendo no pub mais antigo de lá, que dizem ser assombrado, e a comida foi digna de livro medieval! (Isso é bom, ok?)

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Tem também o museu do Titanic que é sobre A CONSTRUÇÃO e sobre o trabalho da cidade com navios! Bem interessante, mas eu entendo bulhufas de qualquer coisa semelhante a engenharia então sorri e acenei e fingi que entendia os jargões de marinheiros.  É uma cidade que fechou com chave de ouro meu intercâmbio!

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Eu fiquei uma semana em Belfast (muito tempo) e fiz tour a noite (não tão bom quanto em outras cidades, mas legal para se localizar e conhecer alguns pontos), fiz um walking tour de dia que é mais ou menos também, mas o carinha que é dono do negócio e guia é simpático, e um tour na prefeitura.

Ah e claro… dá para visitar uma prisão abandonada. Aiai adorei!

Londonderry – Pegue o trem de madrugada e passe o dia nessa cidadezinha. Tem walking tour que vale a pena e tem o ônibus vermelho que não. A cidade é minúscula, fofa e muito legal para entender a história da Irlanda do norte! Então ir no museu da cidade (não lembro o nome exatamente, mas o que conta toda a história da cidade e da Irlanda) vale a pena! Dá para andar pela muralha antiga e ver a cidade, mas sem guia fica meio difícil,…

Tem como pegar um ônibus de turismo (que sai umas 20 libras) e que leva em vários pontos turísiticos, o Giant’s Causeway (formações rochosas), uma ponte de corda que é interessante mas desnecessário pagar já que nem é tão emocionante assim. Consegui fazer um tour em uma Destilaria, a Bushmills.

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Ah e passa na frente de onde eles gravam as cenas da Muralha em game of Thrones… e em outras locações da série. Sem comentários né? Belfast  também tem um Studio onde são gravadas algumas cenas.

República da Irlanda

Também fiquei bem menos tempo do que eu gostaria. E só visitei Dublin bem mainstream.  Peguei o ônibus verde com comentários ao vivo! MUITO BOM! Visitei uma destilaria (Melhor Whisky ever), a Jamesons, fui na Guinness e fiz um ghost tour de ônibus que foi mais caro do que necessário mas foi interessante. Como foi a minha primeira viagem do intercâmbio ainda estava fresquinha de saber o que fazer nas cidades. Visitei uma prisão abandonada também e juro que isso é algo que as pessoas tem que ver! É muito interessante!

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Eu poderia ter ficado um dia a mais e ido ver os Cliffs de Moher, que é super ponto turísitico que você vai de ônibus “fretado” (normalmente sai do hostel ou é fácil pegar). Poderia ter ido para alguma cidadezinha menor só para passar o dia, se tivesse um outro. Pegar o trem de manhã e voltar a noite.

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Minha conclusão é que a Irlanda tanto a República quanto a do Norte foram lugares que eu amei visitar e perfeitos para iniciar e terminar a viagem. Desde a música, passando pelas culturas celtas e pela boa recepção das pessoas!

Tá a Escócia também foi sensacional, e também tem coisas celtas, porque no fim todos tem um antepassado comum. Então não deixem de visitar e aprender mais sobre a história e cultura desses povos!

What happens after the “and they all lived happily ever after?

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Nobody tells you what happens after the happy ending. After all your dreams come true. Wicked, the musical puts it in a perfect way. “Happyness is what happens when all your dreams come true…” Sung in the saddest voice. Because Glinda is the only one who knows that all her dreams had not come true. But this is beside the point. I guess home (Brazil) is full of people that came back from study abroad and all of them are feeling… oh well feelings. However I dont know if I am taking it too hard or what the problem is. I guess some people will agree with me and some won’t.
I feel like an empty vault has been formed in my chest. Something that I can’t reach no matter what. It is not even deppression, I guess. It is reaching  for what you wanted or something that filled you up and having to let go. And I guess I yearn for small things, details and not only for the whole “new place” thing.

Well, in a week it will be two months since I came back. It feels weird and just now I am over the transition phase to the pressing “play” in my life. Now I can observe and see that my year abroad was like reading a book, just not any book, that special book that is your dream. Yes, quoting Disney now… remember when Belle reads the same book over and over? Because it is about kings and far away places, bla bla bla. Oh well picture this kind of book. So the day I set my foot on that plane to get to England (or several planes, but you get the idea) I started reading this amazing book.

Real life was on hold and even though I was never pretending, I am an actress and as a great friend said “Actors are always looking for audience, they never stop”, therefore I, my “character” in this book, was a 19/20-year-old girl, a fresher and last year student at the same time. I partied almost everyday, I drank, I had to make new friends and start new circles of friendships, all that scary part of the beginning of a good book (Harry Potter?). I was insecure, immature, clever, proactive, right and wrong. I learned how to do laundry and use a George Foreman!

My story was told roughly in this blog and mainly by the thousands of pictures I took. I was a forensic sciences student who liked fencing and was active part of the Drama society. I visited all the ” far away places” I dreamt about when I read my favourite books. I spoke the language I have loved since I was… well ever because my parents taught me almost from birth to like it. I used to say “hello mommy”, “goodnight” and other vocabulary basics when I was a toddler. Back to the point I was living a dream. Ok some things were missing, but perfection is just too much to ask.

I grew A LOT in this year, I learned things about my own self when talking to people much younger than me. I grew independent. And I learned some school stuff too. Especially that I like to study odd things like “Earmarks”.

All of these was just to describe the story of my great book. Now how do you feel when you finish a book? If you are not into books, what about movies? Something like “Harry Potter”? “Lord of the Rings”? Even “the Wizard of Oz” You feel empty right? You want more and more! That is why internet is full of fun pages and the movies started and all the franchises. Nobody likes to let go!

I started freaking out when I got back from Northern Ireland. I would be freaking before but I was too sick to allow myself the luxury. I had onde week to go. I planned all the goodbyes, when, where, who I would meet, etc. But I broke down and couldn’t stop crying, anxiety and fear of letting go filled me up. I even got some feedback and “broke” some british… some I expected but I was surprised. Cold people my ****. If it takes an emotional mess like me to break them I did. Every single detail of that week got supersized by thousands. I even got epiphanies, because “let’s add more internal drama to it”.I won’t describe all of the goodbyes in details, because that is what they were made for, I don’t want to suffer much more =( I had the most perfect night (of my life probably) with my best friends and it ended my book. Goddamn happy ending. However…. what now???

The brazilians in Keele were SOOO adorable and took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye safely. I cried my way back to Brazil, even though I lost a flight and got stuck in Lisbon overnight. This includes receiving a hug from british security woman. Also because I was stuck in Lisbon I had a “real” hotel bedroom and free food… all paid for. Did I enjoy it? Noooo! I felt like I was in an endeless limbo because I wasn’t in England anymore nor in Brazil. Dorothy IN the hurricane.

I arrived home. Eventually I had stopped crying in the plane (seriously it was ridiculous). My mom was always thoughtful and prepared a “welcome back party”, buuuuut I didn’t realise it was a party until like a week later. I was so tired and out of myself that I was probably rude to people. All I could think of was the gifts I had brought to people and unpacking to show everything to everyone. I was excited to show my “English” life to my brazilian part.

Everyone asks me how I feel now or how I felt. I hated being back and I really would love to take all the people and especially my family there with me. On the other hand, there I felt I had no story to continue, and my sequel would have to be in Brazil. I had no place there, no job, no house, no future, just my friends. I came back because the book was over and I had to press “Play” and go on with my “real” life. And as a PS. that’s is how it feels… like nothing has changed here and I just finished reading the most amazing book, but it is impossible to reread now… it hurts too much.

“YOU ARE STUPID AND WRONG, GO KILL YOURSELF” – Really?

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Each of us is allowed to have our own opinions, right? I can think whatever I want, like whatever movie, book, food or any other “thing” that I want. In a way yes, I am free, even though some people feel that they have to “correct” me.

I will be judged, tagged and why not discriminated because of what I appreciate or not. People will point it out how “stupid” it is to read Ágatha Christie or Dan Brown or how silly I am because I enjoy watching TV Shows that focus on the low class or that simply makes me not think of difficult things just as well, Big Brother and so on.  I will be selected and put in a little box: “Watches foreign movies” or “Watched Hollywood movies” because even that is a crime right now, it is not “deep” enough. So what? I really do like “shitty”, “sparkly” and “beautiful” things.

Eating a “Bobs” hamburger makes me happier than a McDonald’s one. I really do like it. Am I to be crucified? I don’t like to take pictures to make great scenes or beautiful images. I want to record what I am seeing and the moment, because I will forget then eventually. Oh well if you forget it than it wasn’t that important. No, it is that I have so many great things in my life that I just want to keep the details to remember. Oh and to shock even more. I DON’T CARE ABOUT MUSIC! I simply don’t have a favourite band or a favourite song and I have no idea who is that old famous rock star from the 80s. I listen to whatever, in the end I like Musicals and acting it out. Again, “shame on me”.

I like to read and to write common place texts. I like to see the simple. Do I like the complex and deep? Of course I do! It is also amazing. Although sometimes I just want to keep it easy, slow down and don’t think about anything in my life, it already is complex enough. And then I say this and people go crazy. Why do we have to keep grinding the gears, up to the highest speed when I can just relax and watch something about which clothes people are wearing and how to make a great combination or even better a ROMANTIC COMEDY and believe impossible ridiculous things may happen. Are we wrong to have a tiny flame of hope?

These people who want to be always right and force THEIR true upon you are as fanatic as the religious fanatics. Why something that makes me happy should be wrong? Am I invading your space? Am I disturbing you because I do this or that? No? So please, in a group conversation try to be polite and not throw away insults. You may hurt someone. You may disagree, it is in your right to do so, but do it politely, do it in a way not to depreciate other people’s ideas. What do you gain with it?

Do not insult me or put me down because you consider yourself “superior” to some concepts. You do not have the right to be disrespectful because you think so. Being open-minded is not a crime and must not be judged as if. It just comes out as rude and prejudicial. I am not less intelligent because I don’t share the same opinions as you do. Also I am able to blend in any conversation I want. I still have my opinions and I do enjoy some things more than others but I don’t shut myself from the rest of the world for this reason.

In the end being a righteous know-it-all may just be a weapon against yourself. Cutting yourself some slack, allowing you to enjoy some emptiness, watching a horrible TV show, reading a predictable book, eating not tasty food and taking clichés selfies. Try to let loose and live a little… who knows,… it may be fun!

It is like a time travel after all

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DSC_0258Alice must have thought: “Was it just a dream?”

That’s how it looks like… That’s how it feels like.

After I finished reading “11.22.63” from Stephen King, my first book of his I couldn’t help but wonder how much this experience sounds like something that is so surreal than can only be a dream or a fiction novel. What a surprise since my life has always been a fiction novel.

‘One day Maya looked through the key hole, she was only 10 but not like Alice who saw a beautiful garden, she saw mystery, elegance and a possibility. When her sweat instead of her tears took her to this new land, she couldn’t quite figure out how to fit in, even though she tried, she was an actress after all. She tried being herself exactly as she was back home and she observed. This was the only way to be truthful to the character. Maya actually was named Mayara, but she adopted the “new name” to fit in, or at least to give people something to pronounce properly. And to think that once in her life she would have begged to have a nick name.

Slowly she made friends, she met people she could trust and others that were alike. A new reality. She couldn’t go back in time and reset everything, but it was a chance to do it all over again, start from scratch. It looked like the locals accepted her in their group and they actually liked her back, oh well not everyone, but that is how it is anywhere in an adventure. She attended classes and tried to explain how it was in her world, how her university worked, what she had done, learned, the old tricks from the old life. It was funny that no matter why, people couldn’t value things that had always been so important to her. Here nobody had heard of her University nor could they fathom her struggles. In the end she learned how to play the Uni game, all over again. The exams, the social groups, the mistakes, the parties.

Eventually she learned how to move around, the places to go, who to talk to. She blended in  the picture. Interestingly she also felt younger, like she was at least 4 years younger, given a second chance to be 19. Alice drank from bottles and ate cake to get bigger or smaller. Maybe there was the water. Who would know? Nobody there was getting married, nobody had a child or planned to, everyone was in the beginning. Again. A new life. Wake up without worries. Sleep as much as she could, do whatever she wanted. But could she think that this new life was a reality? Was it possible? Could she grow used to it? The fear of letting it slip away was one of the nightmares.

Like in Stephen King’s book life was easier, slower, quieter, funnier, younger. And also this new reality was far different from her own. She learned to be much more independent not only in home issues but in Uni. She trusted and valued herself much more now. Her old life seemed like an echo from the past or future. “The past harmonises” That is what the author always says. It surely does. Even though a lot is different, a lot is the same. Some of the biggest fears never disappeared and she ended up remembering who she had once been. And the same way the campus is a lot alike hers, her friends are a lot like her old ones and she learned how to live her new life seeing the beauty in this harmonisations.

“But there is no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” – Alice

Maya started believing that she was in the right place described in her books and seen in tv shows like Downton Abbey and Jane Austen’s. Learning about the story, meeting the people, walking around. All of this. Did it make part of her now? Could she accept it as hers? Deep inside she knew it isn’t possible. The people are not her people, they still have a different composition. Not material, but different and she thought it quite impossible to be transformed that way. She found herself pretty similar and receptive of some behaviours and some logics. The looks also didn’t upset her at all. But inside her heart she knew she could never belong. Dressing up their clothes did not make her one of them, speaking their language did not mean that she shared an accent. Learning their history didn’t mean she shared it. She could never have those things, she could never completely be what she wanted. She could act as if, she could desire it, she could dream of it. No matter how great everything and everyone was, she still felt like a dream.’

Perhaps Alice didn’t really find the garden. The white rabbit, her first obsession wasn’t really that exciting. However none of all of this was a disappointment. She had her dream, she took words, pictures, songs, added her personal touch and ended up with her whole new world. One that only existed in her dreams and no one would ever be able to visit, but her.

“Just because it is happening in your dreams, Harry, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.” – Albus Dumbledore

Goodbyes?

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It is that time of the year…

Apparently not for me. What I mean is that everyone has left, but me.

All the mommys and daddys came here pick them up. But mine =(

Last week was the last week that there was a reasonable amount of people in Keele. People were supposed to leave their accommodations by June 8th.

But let’s go back. The last week in June was a tough one. Jwan left to Sweden. We tried to go to a drag queen club, but it was closed. Let me just say that the girl has style! And if I ever had a Kurdish sister that would be her!

jwanI could go on and on about how fantastic she is, but I think I have done this enough! She will be the symbol of Middle East for me, racist or not, that is true! And I think I couldn’t have a better image! One of the strongest women I have ever met!

We ended up in one of the regular crappy clubs of Newcastle under lyme. After that we ate something and went home. Two days later,  after transferring a huge amount of stuff she was leaving me to my room we had to say the last goodbye. But I made it sound as it wouldn’t be the last one, since I was planning to visit her in Sweden in October. In my head that really was truth and I love how innocence can blind us. The goodbye was not a “goodbye” but a “see you later” and that I could do. Saying “goodbye forever” was much too hard.

I realised two or three weeks later was not true, I don’t have enough money to go visit her, I barely have enough to go through the next months here in England. This will be a “long goodbye“, and to make it easier and as I have done to several people (like Victoria who is in Canada and has no perspective to come back to Brazil anytime soon) this won’t be the ending, because I know it will be a “see you later”. You see, I would rather believe that my path will cross these people’s again. It is much too sad to admit that this is it. An open ending is better than any other ending.

So for you Jwan, honey, I have to say, Aufwiedersehen, see you later, Ate a proxima! Because, I don’t know when that will be.

Alessandra was next.

I met her and we went to a fencing session in which we ended up fencing each other and remembering how our friendship was born. We talked a lot after that and I felt that I missed it so much. This last semester I was much more unavailable and I pitied it, but with her I know that she is one kind of friend that I’ll be able to talk about pretty much EVERYTHING, EVERYTIME! And I hope she knows that too! Because you see, discussing Religion here was always a touchy subject. In a way it helped me determine what I do believe. Meeting atheists and all my trips to other countries helped me understand. But she was the one that invited me back to a Christian service and there I felt home. It was Corpus Christi celebration in Brazil, and she took me there without knowing it.

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As I am going to see her next semester my brain is already coping with the fact that we are still seeing each other several times, so that is ok. Also, the acceptance is easier since she is brazilian, her family visits Brazil a lot and the path is much easier and straightforward to be crossed.😉

Sunday, June 2nd, I realised that Drama was done presenting A Midsummer Night’s Dream. And the social afterwards was also almost done. People started to leave and I started to realise that some of them I might never see again. I tried saying goodbye and feeling emotional, but what I could feel was a wall starting to be built. And I am pretty sure this wall will be so high by the end of October that I won’t even be able to demonstrate any kind of feeling. This wall will protect me from thinking: “Hey, I might NEVER see you again!(Now that I think of… Kerry and Redmond) Hey, is there anything I wish I have said to you?” Well, yes, probably there will be lots of regret, but I will choose not to think of them. As everyone left I hugged and said goodbye, or see you later, because it was easier and because I didn’t want to feel.

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Marcus, the american boy, also left last week. We had lunch, we talked, and, you see, Marcus was one of the first people I met here in the UK. If you disconsider the brazilians I can say that he was the first foreigner that was nice to me, or at least one of the five. He was in the same van that took us to our rooms. All the several times I met him we had this light, easy talk. He is completely opposite to what stereotypes say about americans. He is incredibly intelligent and knows more about brazilian politics than I am ashamed to admit I do. This is one guy that I am going to miss! His experiences in the UK were the most varied and he enjoyed this opportunity as much as I did! I will forever be glad that I met him! Again I didn’t want to spend much time thinking of a proper goodbye. I said goodbye as a “see you later”, because seriously, why not?

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And I was almost forgetting about my last Union party of the semester. I was going to say goodbye to Beccy, and I was trying to tell myself that it would probably be the last “Goodbye” that I would say to her. Next thing I know I am drunk, in the union, dancing and playing with the fencing people. Beccy is one of the people who will make me smile everytime I think of the UK! The Liverpool girl that I almost didn’t understand a word she said in the beginning of the year, that insisted that I went to fencing sessions and that always made me feel welcomed. And almost all the times I went crazy in the union she was there! Crazy, with me too! Nonsense nerdy girl that I can totally relate to!

“FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MIIIIIIIIIINNNNNUUUUTTTTTTEEESSSSS”

And this repeated when everyone else left, especially the ones that I will still meet until October 19th. Like guys from Drama, Santiago and Farhan.

I can’t forget that one day it will be the 19th.

And to make matters even worse…. Megan texts me in the beginning of this week to go fetch in the Post-Office a parcel and a letter that she sent me. Well, everything is ok, I thought I would drop by the end of the week since I had bought other stuff too!

Today I get there and there is a letter with a card inside.

“Hey girlie,

Saw this card and thought of you and your love for books! Never stop reading; imagine how great your writing could be! It’s already pretty good though, reading your blog. I know we’ll see each other after summer, but I just wanted to say how great  a year it’s been with you, from drama, to the bitching corner, to pancakes (And you breaking my long-lost fork!)

Hope to see you in Rio 2016 if all goes to plan! And remember: ‘Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars.’ (That always motivated me).

Megsby”

Ok, that would have been enough to make me cry, but no,… oh nooo… she wasn’t happy with that…. no…. she gave me one of the best gifts someone can give to me, as a real gift anyway, … She gave me BOOKS! “The F. Scott Fitzgerald collection” including “The great Gatsby”, “The Beautiful and Damned” and ” Tender is the Night”.

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So yeah,… she got to kick my wall,… now I have to start building it up again. People have to stop doing it.

This “fun-size” girl who grew so much in my esteem in so little time that I cannot even begin to explain or believe. I never felt that I would be able to say that I have an English best friend, that is always there for me, even if it is to tell me that I’m being paranoid, even if she doesn’t know how to deal with my non-stop crying for stupid reasons, even if she is just there to tell me that I am like an alien, etc,etc, etc.

I have always been insecure, since I was little and nothing has changed much ever since. I was really afraid to be left behind here, sometimes I felt like that, even coming from my best friends. And I told her that, because I love to blabber about how I am feeling, but she told me I was crazy or to go and talk to people AND STOP BEING STUPID.

It is funny that we always believe that the only correct way to show affections is our own way. And, this being my 128th epiphany in this country, I realise that it is not. That I can still be surprised! It’s not the talking ALL THE TIME, it is not the being together 24h or constant saying how important a person is to you, whatever… , what matters are the little details. I would be completely gobsmacked by the card alone, but she had to show me that she knows me better than I can imagine. Lots of times it was enough to look at her and she would know what I was thinking. Good or bad things. Texting ALL THE TIME to say stupid things, comment on things, even to talk side by side in the same room. She cared if I walked home from the SU to Lindsay by myself. I can write thousands of examples of how much I loved spending time with her this year! But the main thing is without her, my obsession with post card writing would not have happened, I would have been so alone, and my year wouldn’t have been this great!I have much more to say, but that will be said in a letter! I don’t feel that I am saying what I want to say… maybe my answering text was slapbang simple, but it was truthful!

Another dear friend also surprised me when I said the date that I was leaving. He said: Which day of the week it is?” ” Saturday… hum… it would be nice if you could take me to the airport” ” Why do you think I asked it?” – It may sound silly, but this is one of the details that count much more than telling me everything. Thank you for teaching me that.

In the end,… my goodbyes are only beginning and I know I will have to go through this. I know I will get into that plane and my wall will fall, but until there I keep building it.

A week in the library… Revision style

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So…writing at the end of a Sunday afternoon…. This is almost the sixth day straight that I’ve come to the library to study. Obviously I am going to explain why it is not completely the sixth day straight.

Day one: Tuesday – Library

I arrived from my Eurotrip 2.0, which included Egypt, but let’s leave it as a eurotrip, ok? I was really excited because I was so fresh and ready to start studying! I woke up at six am with the sun on my face, then I went directly to the library! How beautiful. I was shortly joined by my two best friends here in Queen’s land. Beautiful! Moments later lots of other people arrived. My study went over the hill. I gave up and went to the silent area to try to make it up. When I was there I missed being with them. It was so much nicer. So I kept going up and down. Dinner was pizza time.

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After a long time, it was already midnight and I had done some things during the day. Organised deadlines, planned what to do, sent lots of e-mails and eventually studied a bit about freaking bacteria. However leaving the library was no easy task. Tom, Megan and I were singing/dancing/ etc in front of the library when, later, we gave up.

Weather: Freaking sunny

Day two: Wednesday – Library

On day two, I actually tried to do more work. Got responses for my e-mails and I started doing my lab report… And even though EVERYONE told me that the theme I chose was complicated I ended up doing it pretty ok. Let’s see what the teachers will think of it. But obviously I didn’t finish. And also, Megan and Tom got into planning the best maximum security jail ever. Just like any other daily activity.

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Weather: Thought it was going to be freaking sunny again, but it was cold

Day three: Thursday – Library

I promised myself that I would finish the goddamn report… and I did it surprisingly fast. When I’d got to the library in the previous days I noticed that the doors were kind of more automatic then ever… I didn’t need to press the button or anything. But today it went back to answering to the button. Ok. At lunch time, Megan left with me to get some food and the doors were downright open. We found it strange and reacted in the most expected way.

With the soundtrack of Mission Impossible we went through the doors holding guns and pretending to be secret agents, or robbers, or something, like you do.

At night, leaving the library one door was open and the other closed. That didn’t stop us from repeating the scene.

Weather: Sunny and cold

Day four: Friday – Home

They decided to go shopping in the city and I stayed home to try to do more studying. I finished catching up with Game of Thrones, The big bang theory and Dexter. That was productive.

Weather: Went out to buy milk and immediately started raining hail, or whatever it is called. The hail here is small and perfectly round. Five seconds later “here comes the sun again”.

At night, it rained hail or however you call it. And it looked like the world was ending or the winter was coming back, or something. In panic I texted Megan:

Me: “What’s with this 5 second snow?!”
She: “That’s hail; frozen rain”
Me: “Is it common?”
She: “This is England, of course it is”

Megan: It’s like she’s a martian😉 but we love Mayara ♥

Day five: Saturday – Library

I begged them to make me company (since I am the only one who has an exam next week) and we went to the library again. I realized that even though it is distracting having them around, discussing subject things with Tom and chilling with Megan helped me actually doing work.

As it was a brand new day, full of adventures, Megan painted my nail in a zebra style. To end up the day we watched Predator, because, why not?

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Weather: Don’t care anymore, it is cold but I’m going to pretend it is spring.

Day six: Sunday – Guess what? Library!

I was in the silent room and Tom saved me and brought me to the land of not concentrating. Therefore we ended up planning how to dominate the world. And Lex Luthor was very much cited. Megan and recently-back ginger Ed arrived. I freaked because I couldn’t stand my work anymore and to be fair I had the following realisation:

“The teacher gave us the question for the exam to figure it out and be ready to answer in next Tuesday under pressure. However, I had spent the last six days studying the subject, and making notes and everything and to answer the question it seems that I didn’t need to have done it. You know…. What I think is that I didn’t answer it properly (which is probable) and he will never know how much effort I put in it. So… happy days. I reached that BEAUTIFUL moment before an exam when you DEFINETELY don’t feel ready, but at the same time can’t stand studying it anymore.”

Now I am trying to force a little bit more into my crowded brain… and looking forward to predator 2 tonight.

Weather: Ahn… now it is raining.

Changes…How do we cope with them?

I have always had mixed feelings about changes.

I am afraid of them, but I am not afraid of their consequences.

Explaining. When I applied for the exchange program I was not afraid of what it could do to my life, “It was time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes: and leap!”

I had always dreamt of it. However I knew that EVERYTHING could change. My life in Brazil would not be put into Pause while I was travelling around.

In 2010 I made plans, I programmed my life while waiting for the Brussel’s result. I had a plan A, B and C. When I didn’t get it, it was ok, because I had back-up plans. What I wasn’t counting on was that I would be an emotional wreck after that.

This time I was afraid, not of going across the ocean, but I was afraid of it failing again. I put my fears aside and tried. I believed and I could have been hurt again. Thank God that it worked, I really don’t know what I would have done in case that didn’t work… Actually, no, I knew… I would have left my current job, because I hated it and was only putting up with it because I was waiting for the answer. But yeah, I wouldn’t be so devastated. Experience teaches you to be strong.

Anyway… my point is that I wasn’t thinking of missing my old life. I hated my job, my family would always be there for me and my friends were going away to other countries too.  There was nothing to keep me there.” One day I’ll fly away… leave all this to yesterday…”

Now… I talk to my friends from back home and they really miss our old life. I do miss it too. But I am fully aware that we are not going to be in the same classroom. That the days when we sat together before class, talked and drank cold ice tea are over. The days that we would do work separating  the exercises for each member of the group, that we would laugh because someone was sleeping or whatever are over. They belong to a place in the past. No it is not sad, it is real life.  These are memories now, common memories which unite us and created the basis of our friendship.

The present scenario is that we are in Canada, Brazil and UK, however we are together and will be together.

The moment we go back we are going to meet in this restaurant, sit and talk for ages while telling everything we have been through. Sharing our old new lives and sharing the new person we became.

Life didn’t stop, it evolved. We are the same people and at the same time we are not, we are completely new friends and even though we already had the foundation of our friendship, now we are building it up, with bricks such as knowledge, columns such as experience but always braiding it with feelings and memories.

Here, I am experiencing the opposite. I don’t want to go back. I have this new life and I really like it. I see my new friends making plans for next semester and I know I will not be part of them. Their lives are going to be completely different and I want to interfere, I want to be a part of it. Except that I will not. I will be miles and miles away. And they will be here. I wonder how things would be if I stayed. I am afraid of loosing the memories I created here, If their relationships change, if my group drifts apart, everything that I knew would change.

However, I know that my memories will ever be just it, memories… they won’t change. They are my past and now they are a part of me. Nothing is going to change that. I just wish I could make the good moments last forever and the bad ones, a second.(yeah,…I know I am not the only one).

I am afraid of going back to my old life. But the key thought is that I am not going back to that life. I am heading to a third new phase of my life. I have no idea of what is going to happen just across the riverbend.

You can’t always get what you want…

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But if you try sometimes… you get what you need…

Wise, wise words. True? I cannot say.

I think I kind of got a bit lost in the purpose of this blog. It is getting bigger than I imagined, even though it is getting more and more into me.

I wish I could write this post in a  happier and funny or sarcastic way. But not today. Today it is just going to be reflexive and sad. Because, well nothing is ever pink all the time… our rainbows are not always colorful.

When I was younger I was proud of saying that I always got what I wanted. Not really because I was spoiled, even though I really was. No. It was because I would work really, really hard to get whatever I aimed for. I wanted to get the best grades, I would get it. I wanted the part in the play, I would get it. I wanted to win a random competition, yep, I would  work as much as I could and couldn’t to get it.

And then life hit me. I started not getting all of that and things got more and more difficult. But still I worked hard and went for my aim.

And then… I didn’t get to go to Brussels in 2011, but instead I got this amazing scholarship to come and study here in England in 2012. In 2011, when I got the “no” I thought all my chances were over, but in fact, something much better was expecting me. “Just around the riverbend.”

However when talking about relationships I have always settled for my upcoming destiny of becoming the crazy lady with cats. If something better happens that will be a plus or a bonus. How can I see silver linings in my work and professional life but not in the rest?

Thinking about it and other variables I got to think. Maybe I am not getting what I want and not even looking towards what I need.

To be fair, we all have our types, our expectations, our dreams. When it becomes unreachable we just despair. And even though we look around and see opportunities we close our eyes.

I think I am kind of lost between the “I always get what I want” and refusing to think about “what I need”. We look around, we see couples, we see happy faces, we see love. I want all of that. But is that what I need right now?

Seriously… the freaking grass is always greener in the neighbour’s garden,

Have you ever considered that now it is not the time? At all? That maybe now you are not ready to deal with that? That maybe the now is the moment to enjoy other things… such as a simple conversation in a pub while watching other people walk by? Or that you have to value other small things before… before… well who knows? It could even be before being alone.

Looking more into yourself, your own wounds instead of seeing other people’s scars is much more difficult than any other thing in the world. I would say that is the reason we can give such great advices to other people, but when it comes to our own selves,… pfuit.

I don’t really know what I need, but until recently I couldn’t even say what I wanted, or why I wanted it.

Maybe I have to go through all of the things to be able to write about them. Maybe it is because I have to learn a lesson before getting it, or another unrelated thing, that is not what I want, but is definetely what I need.